Thursday, September 13, 2012

It's Personal

About two weeks ago a couple of my close friends made the public pronouncements that they would not be using Facebook to post anything political during this general election. Upon making these pronouncements they received the accolades of others who shared their desire to hear only about the impending football season or what event and news story we can partner with the latest image of an American gymnast looking unimpressed.

When I read this I was hurt.  Not mad.  Just hurt and when I said something I was asked why I was getting so upset; he/she was just trying to keep things light.  To explain myself in a Facebook status might be too heavy for some, so I decided to take to this venue to express just why keeping things light is not something I am cool with right now.  Not in this election.

I like being an American.  I like the stupid American things like eating McDonald’s, Super Big Gulps, watching shows like Dance Moms or The Real Housewives of New Jersey.  I also like the serious things about being an American, like marching to demand better rights and benefits for veterans, posting my ideas on a blog without going to sleep tonight worrying that the police will kick down my door and detain me for being an upstart, and the history that built the most powerful country in the world.  Having said all of this, being raised in America has made me a man who does not tolerate injustice well.  As Americans, we don’t.  We are told from the first day we start toddling around this world that we are “special” and that no one should make us feel inferior.  We're number 1, right?  Well, it has become increasingly clear as I have grown in my relationships and career that this is not true for me.  I am not treated the same as everyone else.  I do not have access to the same things that other Americans have access to.  As a gay kid growing up, you get used to people’s nastiness, but what has grown increasingly obvious is that people in our government think that nastiness is okay, participate in it, and sponsor/vote for legislation that enshrines it.  I teach my students of the importance of the phrase, “WE THE PEOPLE…” I teach them how this is one of the most ingenious phrases in the world because it limits government by giving the people the power.  I like being American and the power that gives me.  That’s the most basic reason that this apolitical attitude is no longer acceptable to me.  I have realized that I have to use this power and I have to count on the people I love and care about to use theirs.  We need to reaffirm the ideas we teach our kindergarteners.  We are all special, we do all deserve to be treated fairly, and we do all deserve the opportunities to live, love, and be happy that are afforded every American.

A bit more esoteric way of thinking about this is really wrapped up in the most famous line from the Declaration of Independence.  “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.”  This gets to the core of why this apolitical position upsets me so much.  It is not about the 1,200+ benefits that married heterosexual couples in this country enjoy (okay, maybe it is a little bit) but it is more about the fact that I have been endowed by my Creator with certain inalienable rights and at least one of those is being denied me.  I do not have the right to pursue my happiness in the America of 2012.  Don’t get me wrong.  I am a white, middle-class man. [As such,] I have had a good life compared to what others have been born into both here and abroad.  I am well educated, loved by wonderful parents and have never really known hunger or poverty.  I have, however, known discrimination.  I have known what it is like to have a bottle thrown at me for holding the hand of the person I love.  I have known what it is like to be slammed into the lockers in the hallway every day as a peer mumbles “faggot” under his breath.  I have known what it is like to have to glance around to see who is looking before I give the person I love a kiss on the cheek.  I have known what it is like to have my spiritual leaders tell me that I am dammed, that my love is an abomination, and that I am less fit to be a parent than Snooki.  These things I have known and they suck. But I can handle them.  I know that society changes slowly and we are winning small battles every day.  What I am not okay with, and argue no one should be okay with, is government action that impinges on my pursuit of happiness.

Happiness is the crucial piece in this conversation.  In spite of all of this, I will never be truly happy and truly realize my dreams without the family I have imagined for as long as I can remember.  That is where our happiness is.  It is in the achievements and laughter and joy and tears of our families.  Yes, I know that a family does not hinge on legal recognition, but I also know that legal recognition is more than just a protection of freedoms and access to benefits and rights.  We recognize the family because it is the fundamental building block of our society.  All of the political rhetoric that exists right now on both sides of this debate and no one will deny this fact.  Love does not need legal recognition, but society does.  Society will never evolve if in the heart of what makes us a society discrimination and oppression exist. 

So, why is this election personal?  I have a good job, own my condo, have wonderful educational opportunities--so why am I not just content to wait?  Why am I not like the people (some of my own friends) I have seen that will probably vote but avoid the conversations, are busy during the rallies, or can’t be troubled to read or post politicized opinions in social media?  It’s personal because any group that has faced oppression and discrimination in this country has waited.  They have waited to be recognized for the full citizens that they are and then they were done waiting. Then they stood up with their friends and families and made the change happen.  I am tired of waiting.  I have achieved a lot but am still not complete and it saddens me that some people in my life don’t know that or can’t realize what it means to me to be a husband and a father.  I want my chance at achieving all the happiness I have dreamed of since I was 16 and mapping out how to get from math class to English class without having to pass the group of jocks who would perpetrate some act of violence against me each afternoon, all the while knowing in the back of my mind that someday I would be out of there.  Someday I would be free to be whatever I wanted to be. I am ready for that someday.

Bottom line:  Yes, it’s personal and if you can’t be bothered to empathize with the hurtfulness of this condition then I can’t be bothered with you.  I have a family to make and I will end this post with something I wrote a couple of nights ago after a newscast and a day that had been filled with some pretty vitriolic attacks from politicians and others.  I find on nights like that it helps to think about that someday that helped me get to English class.

To my beautiful son or daughter: 
I am writing this because I am not sure when, but I know someday it is going to be important that I make sure you know a couple things.  I think about you all the time and I know that you are going to be more than I can even imagine.  Your dad and I talk about you and we think about the things we will do together and we love you.  We used to laugh about this popular song that’s out now called “Call me Maybe.”  One of the verses goes, “Before you came into my life… I missed you so bad / I missed you so bad / I missed you so, so bad.”  We laughed because we were like how do you miss something before it is even in your life? Then I was thinking about writing this to you and I realized that’s how I feel about you.  I don’t even know you but I miss you. 
My entire life I have imagined what our lives will be like together someday.  In all of my saddest moments and even my happiest I have always known that someday, when your Dad and I had you, everything would be better.  I know that someday you’ll make the happy times happier.  You are our happiness.  Before you could read this, before you were even here with us your dad and I waited for the someday that we would be a family.  There are no more “somedays” to wait for anymore, we love you more than anything and we are so proud of you.

                                                                        Love, Dad


  1. j, this post is wonderful; your letter, beautiful. thanks for sharing. -- sab

  2. This is amazing thank you so much for sharing! So many people near and dear to me are dreaming of the same thing and it is horrible that this country can't recognize all people as equals!

  3. This is truly from a heart I adore. Thank you. I agree totally!

  4. Great job, J. Well said. Love love love the letter. I can't wait for that "someday" to see you being a dad. It's going to be amazing.

  5. I kept the fact that my father is gay a guarded secret when I was still a very young man; I understand how you felt growing up. I feared the retribution, condemnation and judgement of my peers. In time as I myself grew comfortable with the fact that dad's sexuality did not define my masculinity or sexual orientation I was able to open up with close understanding friends. As a confident mature adult I have no issue whatsoever with any mutually consensual adult relationship no matter the color or nature of the stripe. What I do have issue with is the individual that takes a stand in opposition to the happiness of others; This person will not avoid my anger nor wrath if they so choose to vocalize hatred for any group of human beings based upon their race, religion or sexual orientation. When I enlisted in the war against hatred and the fight for social justice I signed on for life; fore I am a soldier. P.S. I see you had to delete the Pastor's comment, I can only imagine why.

  6. Thanks everyone! Terry- I didn't remove the Pastor, that was actually the Pastor herself... she is listed as Karen above and just posted twice. She's one of the good ones!

  7. Awesome, joy inspiring, and true! I wish you only the best!

  8. Jason, this is why I love you. Great entry.